Barbara is slowly dying.
She was in a coma on Sunday, all of a sudden. The doctors thought she might be brain-damaged due to a haemorrhage

in her head, also due to her evoluating disease.

But there is no tumor in her brain,which is a huge relief.

But still...she's dying. She often says she's tired of being tired.

I wanna be strong for her, for my parents...but sometimes i just can't.I can't get rid of the pain in my stomach, in my heart, in my head. My eyes sore from crying, my head burns, i can't control my hands as they're shaking all the time.

Sometimes, i wonder why the hell is this happening to us, what did we do to suffer that much, why God is treating us like this...and then i remember i don't believe in God and that it is just like this. But yet i can't help myself blaming a God in which i don't believe. pffff...guess i'm loosing my head...or maybe my pain needs someone or something to blame because there is NOONE to blame.Except life itself.

I'm devastated, i don't want my sister to die...but i can only understand her wish to leave.She's tired, sick of fighting against a disease that is stronger than her...I hate seeing her in pain all day and night long, i hate seeing her puking, hardly eats something, can't walk by herself, hardly grabs a glass of water because she's too weak... I can't stand just the idea of her suffering 24/7 and i understand she doesn't want that anymore. It's been nearly 4 years. Would have i fought as long? probably not.

I'm not giving up on my art commitments, i promised Barbara i will never give up, and even if i might not be online a lot these days, i'm not giving up on any art commitments. I will go on, work hard, do my best for me,of course, but for her especially.

Time will tell me what to do anyway.

Excuse me if i owe you an email or two, it's just that i don't have time to be online a lot...

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